The Shame Train.

I am amazed at what shame can do. 

And to some extend, I’m no longer surprised by it. Shame is very powerful. It screws with the core of who we are, convincing us that we should hide ourselves because who we are is not worthy. In my personal walk, shame has clouded me with feelings of inadequacy, discontent and ugliness. I’m sure there are still many more to mention, but these three are sufficient to show how bad shame can be. 

For past few weeks, I couldn’t write. Or maybe I could, but my writing pieces have lost its soul. I couldn’t sense the honesty behind it anymore. It was difficult to break the barriers and bring my own heart to the surface, because I was already scared to find out what would emerge to the surface before the first word came out. And I think recently, I figured out why: I was writing from 

I thought that shame would only stop me from sharing to others what I’ve written. But I was wrong. Shame convinced me that it was better for me to write for others with my heart closed. Hidden from any exposure that would allow people to see me for me. 

Now the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it becomes. Because I couldn’t see who wins when I stop creating art. I couldn’t see who benefits if I stop writing. I couldn’t see how not opening up, and producing writing pieces that are lacking substance and passion, can actually speak to other people. It doesn’t make sense. What shame is doing to me makes no sense. 

There are so many verses in the Bible that point us to understanding who we are in Christ. I won’t list them here, but here are three things I came to learn: 

1. We are beautifully and wonderfully made (Psalm139:14)
2. Shame was a result of sin, not a part of us (Genesis 3:7)
3. We have been set free from shame by the blood of Jesus (Romans 8:1)

I’d like to think that once this realization comes, I can breakaway from shame that easily. I thought wrong. To be honest, I think I am still somewhere lost in the train station. Off the shame train, but not fully on freedom train yet. Or perhaps, I’m not even off the shame train. Perhaps the train has just stopped, and I’m still standing on the door, wondering if I have confidence to get off the train. Unsure if I have enough courage to embrace freedom once again. 

But then again, isn’t this what we go through every single day? A daily decision to get on the right train, so that we will arrive at the right destination, closer towards our God-given purposes. 

I don’t want to hide, I hope you don’t too. 

Matthew 5:14

"You are the light of the world--like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden.